What do you write about the first time you delve into the blogosphere? Do you write about the purpose of the blog? That is do I write about my art, the art world and how to inspire creativity? These questions eluded me and I’ve put it off long enough. So I thought I’d write about thesis letdown.
Let’s backup to the final months before graduation. We (my thesis and I) had a love hate relationship. After working on it for almost two years it was as if I was riding the worst fair ride ever. Think of being on the swing chair, the one that goes in a perpetual circle after eating some sort of delicious fried bread. It’s a party in your mouth when that churro or funnel cake is warm and toasty but then it sits in your belly waiting to resurface. You get on that swing thinking this is going to be fun, exhilarating and maybe a little scary but after one rotation the panic sets in and you ask why, why, why? I wrote haikus, newspaper poems and read books on how to inspire creativity (I’ll cover that in another post). I made a Pinterest board with memes on why I hate my thesis. There was crying, Red Vines and on occasion I thought if Hemingway could write and drink so can I. Not a good idea.
Yet, there were times when I would stand on a beach in the freezing cold, wind blowing sand hard enough to qualify as free Dermabrasion that I was blissfully happy. Those times mitigated the tears, obliterated doubts and reminded me why being an artist is a beautiful struggle.
Then the end came. The day of my presentation I had the beginnings of what turned out to be pneumonia; thinking the lack of sleep, caffeine and candy had finally taken its toll. When I passed I actually spun in a circle like Julie Andrews “Singing the Hills Are Alive”. I rode that high through graduation, through the pneumonia and right into July. My birthday came and went and I had yet to look for a big girl job, no a life long career. I longed to take pictures on the beach but after a few tries I realized my creativity block was becoming a problem.
It’s like breaking up with your high school first love or rather being broken up with. You know you have to do it because being young with so many miles between you is not realistic but it still hurts.
Letting go of a project that had defined my life for so long was heartbreaking. I’d say, “I’ll still work on it” but it wasn’t the same. I realized I became the most boring person ever and wondered why anyone still spoke to me. My hermit status was no longer excusable and my loved ones started to become worried. Then something amazing happened. I woke up and told myself this is the day I start living again, the day and this time I meant it.
After months of not wanting to say it’s title out loud I can wistfully speak its name.
“Emptiness: A Buddhist Philosophy in Pictures” you will always hold a special place in my heart and I will love you forever.